Chosen Solution

I spilled coffee on my MacBook Pro. I opened it up and disconnected the battery cables as per this video (or so I thought) before cleaning up some corrosion on the logic board with rubbing alcohol. I didn’t unplug or unscrew anything else, and after I was done I just reversed the steps. Now the computer only works when plugged in. It also won’t allow me to check the “Show battery status in menu bar" option in System Preferences. Here’s what the cables look like closed up:

Unplugged:

The end of the unplugged cable:

I assume I’ve done something wrong. Does anyone have any advice on how to fix it? Thanks!

You do realize that’s not the battery cable? Review this iFixit guide MacBook Pro 13" Function Keys Late 2016 Battery Replacement